I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
