Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
