Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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