you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
