Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
