a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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