I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
