Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
