her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
