i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
