that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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