I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
