insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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