i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
