Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
