i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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