I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
