I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
