Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You're my little dorito
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
