I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
