I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
