what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
