I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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