what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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