you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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