watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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