What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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