Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
as a side note pls kill me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
