new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
