I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
