Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
