i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
