foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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