it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
