It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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