bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
