I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
