Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
