PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
