Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
