Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
