I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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