I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
