you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
