He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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