i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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