Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
