Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
