everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
