You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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